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I'm so tired of no one giving a fuck. Today was a fucking effort and I hate haviing to be that bitch that puts on the happy face for everyone else when really it kills me inside. 
I feel like at this moment MacGuff is the only one who cares. The only person who actively wants to be around me and talk to me and help me. INstead of being like everybody and and avoiding the dark parts. Those dark parts are haunting. I feel like they can possess you can take over you if you hold them all locked up inside too long. 

Probably why I have panic attacks. 

But I'm tired and can't really be as coherent as I'd like to be at the moment.

When in doubt, "just close your eyes and think of England."


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are you serious? you put me through all that because you thought that i had intended to break plans with my sister that i have been desperately trying to make plans with for about 3 FUCKING WEEKS NOW?! are you fucking kidding me?
i am so fucking spent.
i cannot catch a fucking break. i'm always broke. 1 step forward is a bout 5 steps backwards. i am the only one that is constantly trying to keep up with everything and everyone all at once. and when i make plans i don't fucking break them. sure i'll be M.I.A. up until about 30mins before our scheduled plans but i'll fucking be there and be ready to go on time. so don't fucking doubt me.
this weekend has been THE biggest stress because i am broke and it's my sisters birthday and goddamn maybe i wanted to do some NICE for MY FUCKING SISTER. 
i'm so fucking tired of this. i don't think i take much more of this. so thanks for swinging me into a panic attack and then acting like i'm fucking DOING IT ON PURPOSE.

FUCK YOU. 

and yes i'm tired and haven't slept in of 24 hours and i'm upset about a shit ton of things including all of the things that you just said to me. but don't you just LOVE how i was trying to comfort YOU while i'm nearly collapsed on the GODDAMN KITCHEN FLOOR. panic attacks do just happen sometimes you cow. but thanks for being a bitch to me while i'm at my most fucking vulnerable and weakest point. means a whole fucking lot.

and everyone wonders why i think that no one gives a shit about me. i feel like i'm life doormat. anything and anyone can come and wipe their feet on me and just keep on walking. and what am i left with? 


Current Mood:
pissed off pissed off
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haven't been on here in forever.
sitting on my porch a little stoned smoking cigarettes. parents aren't home.

just b/p-ed again. did it yesterday as well. 

i feel shaky.
i am at the lowest weight i've ever been at. 115. and i feel so fat and ashamed of myself.

i know. i don't understand it either. 

i hate everything about myself. and it sickens me. everything. 
when people find me attractive it disgusts me. i dont understand it. and then i hate myself more.
how did i get to be this way? 



it's pathetic. 

Current Mood:
disappointed disappointed
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It's Independence Day in the U.S., celebrating the signing of the Declaration of Independence. If you were to make your own personal declaration of independence, who or what would you address it to?
your mom.
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i want to be as thin as kaya scodelario.


she is perfect. wish i knew her bmi...

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i say fxck you.


that's all.

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here i am on a friday night sitting in my room with my friend. who is sleeping.
not that there is anything wrong with that i just really REALLY want to go out!!!
NOW.
goddamnit.
caffeine is pulsing through my veins on an empty stomach and i can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!!

i want him to just fucking call me!!!!!!!!
WTF.
i'm sooo pissed. we were supposed to hang out at five and its quarter til eight!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK.

GAHHHHH.

i just want to go somewhere. ANYWHERE.
i kind of just want to drive to his house and surprise him. hahah THAT would go over superbly i'm sure.
and i really want to text my friend maxine but i feel weird because i just dont feel like i know her that well...
i just wanted to hang out with them. he told me he would. he picked out the time. so somebody please explain to me why i am sitting in my room alone [my sleeping friend does not count] ??????????????????????????

i mean tomorrow i'm going to be gone all day anyways but i just really wanted to see him and its FRIDAY.

an;dinga;prbp;voerikhgnalbkrblerblchgalku.lrkebdlvkianblrekianherlbnsa;hprlvgkjanrelgkirbe.


so now i'm probably going to go do my chores to expend some energy. oh yay. nothing more fun than that now is there...
Current Mood:
annoyed annoyed
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She'd tell me 'bout Captain Hook and all of his men
Who followed Peter with with a hook replaced as his hand
In those tales, bad guys never did win,
So the Captain was eaten and Wendy had twins
Well that was the story as I recall
But I may have made up the end
Don't remember much at three feet tall
Except for when I'd say,
"Mom, let me go to Never Neverland
Let me fly for one day
And throw that fairy dust in my hair
So I'll pretend I'm flying away"
I'm flying away

Well to my surprise, I grew up too fast,
And that easy life of Tinkerbell never did last
So I silently dream myself far, far away
That I would be immortalized like Peter one day
And that's my childhood as I recall
Though in some ways in some ways it never did end
And now I'm standing a little bit taller
Except for when I say,
"Mom, let me go to Never Neverland
Let me fly for one day
And throw that fairy dust in my hair
So I'll pretend I'm flying away"
I'm flying away

And though life is never easy as we as children read in the books
Where fairy dust could just fly you so far away
All I ask is that you leave me my imagination
So I can pretend I'm flying away
I'm flying away
And that is where I stay
Right there in Never Neverland
I'd be flying, I'd be dying
For love and appreciation
Where mermaids would sing
And fairies would ring
Right down there in Never Neverland
And it's second to the left and straight on 'til morning
Or was it second to the right and straight on 'til morning?
In my Never Neverland
In my Never Neverland


i was going to sing this song for competition.
i wanted to.
my mom loves it when i sing this song.
it just makes me want to escape this place more and more...


 
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breakdown..Collapse )
Current Mood:
crushed crushed
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